nnnnngaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

okay

so

i’ve been considering the possibility of me actually being aromantic and/or being afraid of relationships because of how badly i’ve been burned before

and out of fuckin nowhere the perfect boy drops into my lap and we started dating a few days ago and he’s such a dumb nerd i love him so much augh

so yeah

i’m going to a new school now, instead of my old one, which was a hellhole

and i was walking around, skipping, and making new friends instead, when i meet this boy, my age, (flamboyantly gay) who i had been eyeing recently and he turns out to be hella cool, into anime and shit

so we hang out the rest of the day and we go to choir later together and sing our damn voices out and we leave early together because i was really only there to hang out with him and we were talking later in the lunchroom

i was talking about how messily my last relationship ended and how much i wanted a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend this time around and he just asked out of the fuckin blue

"well, my boyfriend and i are in an open relationship… you could join, if you want."

and i’m like well sure okay that works i guess

and we went to his house the next day and i got to sleepover and i lost my virginity to him and it was great and we cuddled afterwards and beforehand and everything is basically coming up roses

so yeah his name’s ty and he’s a fucking nerd and he’s great

well, i performed the satanic destruction ritual today.

my sister helped.

ah, it felt good.

it was targeted at someone who’s caused me a lot of pain and regret recently.

i asked Mephistopheles to make them burn.

hopefully, he listened.

god, i want anna back.

i feel so fucked up after that shit all went down, but i feel even more fucked up because i want her back.

she was my anchor, you know? she kept me afloat for a while.

and she threw all of it in my face.

i was at the hospital where her dad died the night he bit it, and at his funeral.

i stayed with her all night because i was afraid she’d do something stupid.

she cried on top of me.

she clutched my shirt and sobbed and i could see she couldn’t cope with it.

i felt her tears.

and i loved it when we cuddled; she was so soft and gentle and warm.

she made my day with a smile.

and then she threw me out like a piece of trash.

like i didn’t mean anything.

like i never did anything for her.

didn’t cook, didn’t clean, didn’t keep her up at night for all the right reasons

she fucked me,left me, and went for another guy a week later

she didn’t even have remorse about it; she just used me.

till she got sick of me.

and i feel so fucked for wanting more of that abuse; i feel like nobody’s ever going to love me the same way she did or that i loved her again.

every time i try again, try to move on, it hurts me.

i get called a rapist, i get made fun of, get rumors made up about me, get spurned and rejected because i’m still dealing with her shit.

i just wanted something to distract me from a shitty night, and later on he called me a date rapist.

i confronted him about it, and he said it was all fine, that his mom made him say it

but he’s still saying it behind my back.

others are listening to her, to him, to them and it makes me hurt so bad

i want to give up so bad 

so fuckin bad

i just want to take a knife to my wrists and draw a warm bath.

make some tea, read a book while i’m in there.

drift off, nice and warm.

safe.

with the promise of not needing to hurt anymore.

it sounds so good.

so good.

oh god

i just got off for like the first time in four days

it felt magical

i just wish i had a hot boyfriend to help with the process, y’know?

god, i’m so sleepy. i took a shitload of melotonin and my other drugs… it got late and i think it kicked in.

fuck, now i want cuddles. i want someone to be able to nuzzle up to at night, in my tiny-ass bed. someone to spoon.

christ, i’m lonely.

so, i didn’t think i’d have much of a use for this blog anymore… guess i was wrong.

so yeah, i’m gonna turn this into my vent blog, so whatever goes up here is super personal and may be sad or vague or nsfw, kay?